Dear Islam, I Sincerely Apologize

Dear Islam,

I would like to sincerely apologize for stating in the past that the Qur’an might be less harmful if used as toilet paper.

Ramadan 2017 and fully “HALAL”

I did not intend in any way to imply that the Qur’an should actually be used as toilet paper, although I understand that toilet paper has been used as a Qur’an. It was a tongue-in-cheek suggestion. The intention of my expression was to strip the Qur’an of reverence, as I have attempted to do with the Bible in the past and highlight its more vile, misogynistic, immoral, barbaric and destructive teachings. It seems that this suggestion has offended some of my more zealously “liberal” brothers and sisters, who found my lack of reverence for this religious text blasphemous and uncouth. I now understand why such a suggestion is offensive and unnecessary.

Having now read numerous translations of the Qur’an, copious quantities of hadith, and having meticulously investigated many of the Islamic laws and cases in the purely Islamic country of Saudi Arabia from a non-western point of view, I now see how wrong I was to question the wisdom of this beautiful recitation we call the Qur’an.

In my ignorance I thought it wrong to beat one’s disobedient wife,(1) however I failed to understand that such domestic violence is not only necessary for her own good and protection, but that such a beating is much more tempered and loving than the one delivered to one’s slave-girl. (2) As a result of my darkness of understanding I thought it repulsive for middle-aged men to be encouraged to bed children as young as nine (3) and that if obstinate and stubborn children refuse such paedophilic advances one should employ the divine and lofty wisdom of the one and only true God, and beat such disobedient little girls until they submit. I thought it unfair that sisters inherit only half of that which their brothers inherit, (4) and that a woman/girl should be a virtual slave to her male partner/captor. (5) My strange yet misguided sense of justice perceived it as unfair that the majority of hell’s inhabitants should be women (6) and that due to the imperfection of this profane and unintelligent sex, Allah must construct perfect virgins in heaven for Jihadist to enjoy in pious orgies as a reward for their merciless services toward his merciful ends(7)…

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